Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Sheik

I was recently involved in a conversation in which The Shiek of Baghdad agreed with me.

Adnan also had some very interesting things to say about the current state of affairs in Iraq. Along with many other observations. It was great to hear about the war from someone who lived in Iraq. The best part was that his story wasn't filtered by the media. Adnan spoke straight from the heart about his personal thoughts on what's going on out there and how things came to be. It's a very interesting story. He did author a book called The Sheik of Baghdad: Tales of Celebrity and Terror from Pro Wrestling's General Adnan. I highly recommend the book to anyone who wants to see the truth and not the farse that the media, president and others would have you believe.

Monday, November 27, 2006

My part in the food chain

I have secured my spot on the top of the food chain. This weekend I harvested a 8 point buck. He tastes good.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Birth of True Evil

Today is the day when a terrrible menace was released on soceity. From an early age signs on the tyranny were seen. In normally innocent games a child would play, a way was found to oppress others and force them into submission. This escaladed into institutions of education where the force of evil would countinue it's reign upon the poor constituants. Finally this deceptive beast went world wide and attempted to take over the world.

Happy Birthday Sis!
Founder and Namesake of TEAM*JESS

Monday, September 25, 2006

Coolest Lamp in History

Check out this lamp I just got! It's cool as shit!

Notice it has a fuckin eagle on it!

Now the lamp would be cool enough with just an eagle, but wait. There's a sail boat on the lamp shade! How insane is that!

I know what you're all thinking. How do I get my hands on a such a fine piece as that? Tough shit, it's not for sale!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Schluetoberfest 2006

It's that time of year again. The time when the elite social club TEAM*JESS thinks it's better than the anti-social team*josh.

This year TEAM*JESS is even more pathetic than last year. Check out her flyer:

Now check out the team*josh flyer:

Notice the bigger beers, Jagermeister necklace and the X burned into her head. TEAM*JESS might as well have a "Dry" party!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Jagermeister and Gwar

How many people can say they have a HUGE Jagermeister flag signed by members of Gwar hanging in their living room?

team*josh can:

Where's TEAM*JESS's Jager flag?

Friday, July 07, 2006

Gotta Park Somewhere

So I grew out of my old garage and built a new one. Here it is!

Any TEAM*JESS member is officially UNinvited to come check out the garage! losers.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Be a Movie Star

So my friend is casting people to play extras in a movie. I'm not Hollywood, but I think that means you will have an extra special role in the film. Either way some of the movie will be filmed in a bar. Which means you get to spend 8 hours in a bar with little to do except wait for your turn in front of the camera. Sounds like fun to me!

Here's the info:
We are seeking people of all types, 21 and over to beextras in the SAG independent movie “Regular Joe.”The movie is set to film June 24 through July 30 invarious metro locations (Minneapolis). Anyone interested in beingan extra should email katibatch_AT_yahoo.com, please put“Regular Joe extra” in subject line. Include yourname, telephone, email address, and age. There is no monetary compensation, but you will receive copy and credit, meals will be provided.

p.s. For you TEAM*JESS members: change the _AT_ to @ when you send the email. idiots.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Here's a Tip. Not that I have a choice.

Ok, here's what I don't get. A group of people goes to a bar. The beer lady is really slow and being bitchy. Everyone at the table complains about the service. Yet when the bill comes, everyone leaves a tip.

Maybe I'm just confused about the whole concept of tipping, but isn't tipping what you do when you want to reward someone for doing a good job? So why is it when someone does a shitty job, they still get tipped? The only tip they should be getting is, "get out of the service industry". Even someone does an average job, they get a tip. So basically no matter how good or bad of a job you do, you'll get a tip.

So why not just include the tip in the bill and raise the hourly wage of the server? That way the customer can reward the servers who are doing a great job by giving them a tip.

In my perfect world this is how servers would get compensated:
-Bad Server: minimum wage and about to be unemployed.
-Average Server: fair market wage.
-Good Server: fair market wage + tips.

Oh and if it's $5 for a bottle of Mich Golden Draft Light, the tip is included in the price of the beer. Fuck you.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Ways To Save Money

In the financially hard times, we need to come up with ways to save money around the office.

Here are some ideas.....
  • pay toilets - .25 to pee .50 to poop (campaign slogan ---- pay to poop)
  • put a hole in the top of the water cooler – at the end of the day instead of watering the plants just dump the water back into the water cooler.
  • Turn off lights and use flashlights or candles.
  • When at cub, the doctors office etc. take pens or what ever is available to stock our supply room

Please let me know if there are any other suggestions

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Don't Spam Me!

Background: I'm our class president and our 10 year is this year and have been working on the planning of the reunion. Ok, So I get this email today:

Greetings Hutchison Class of 96!
My name is Spam Lady with Reunion Makers, Inc.
Can you believe it’s been 10 years since you walked the halls of Hutchison High? Its reunion time and Reunion Makers would like to help!
To get started is very simple. We need alumni for the Spirit Committee and someone to spearhead the effort. If you are interested in either of these opportunities, please contact me directly. My toll free number is 800-555-5555 or my e-mail address is
Removed for privacy@reunionmakers.com. The person who volunteers to be our official contact will be compensated with two (2) complimentary tickets to the Reunion Makers event and a free Gold Membership to Classmates.com. This package is valued at approximately $300.00.
Reunion Makers is a full service planning company and will handle every detail without taking the control away from you. What does that mean? We will do all of the time consuming work, while you make all of the fun decisions (i.e. where and when to have the event, what food is served, what songs are played, etc.). You will also have the choice of letting us coordinate one event (usually banquet style) or making a weekend of it and letting us plan a Friday Night Mixer and a Saturday Night Banquet. We do this for no money upfront. We make our money exclusively off of ticket sales, which means we are highly motivated to get as many people as possible there. For more information about the services we provide, contact me directly. Again, the toll free number is 800-555-5555 and my e-mail address is
Removed for privacy@reunionmakers.com.
We look forward to hearing from you.

I immediately reply:

We are already planning our reunion and would appreciate it if you would send out a 2nd email to all the people from Huchinson High School Class of '96 telling them that the reunion is being planned already and if they have any questions to email me.

Also, any further email regaurding reunion should be approved by me before being sent out to my class. We do not appreciate spam!

Thank you,

Class President

Also at that time I sent out an email to all my classmates:

Hey Class! I just got this spam from some bitch and wanted to let everyone know it's bull shit.

Then approximately an hour later an email sent to my classmates again from Spam Lady:

Greetings Hutchinson Class of 96!

Reunion Makers would like to apologize for any confusion our previous marketing e-mail may have caused. We were trying to get a jump start on the 2006 reunion season, but the dedicated members of your class beat us to it!

There is already an event being planned for your 10 year reunion. RJoe, class president is already in the planning stages of your reunion. RJoe's e-mail address is

Again, we apologize for any confusion our previous e-mail has caused and wish your class the very best at your upcoming reunion.

LMAO!!! How about that?! There was actually a response from Spam Lady sent out to what I would beleive is my whole class. I have a renewed sense of hope for the world.

Another thing that was nice about this is that she most likely sent the email to everyone registered at classmates.com I bunch of addresses I previously didn't have access too since our high school has it's own alumni site (http://www.hutchtigeralumni.com).

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I Need a Gay Sugar Daddy

yep, you read that right, I need a gay sugar daddy. Someone to fund my various endevors. Like if I need a case of beer, he could buy it for me. Or if I was hungry, he could buy me a pizza. Or if I wanted a new motorcycle, he could buy it for me. How awesome would that be. Never to worry about finances again. If I need something, I could just ask my gay sugar daddy to get it for me.

Which makes me think of the other thing I need in my life. A pregnant wife (I'm not sure how I could keep her in a perpetual state of pregnancy, but some smart doctor might). Yeah, someone to bring me to the bar and sober cab me home. If she wanted to hang out while I was at the bar it would be optional. It's not like I'm going to tell my sober cab to leave and come back when I'm hamnerd.

Life would be perfect with these two people by my side. Just think someone to buy you beer and someone to drive you home after you've had too much. Well, except for the whole gay thing. And a wife isn't exactly on my to-do list either.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Simplify Your Life

Have you ever went to one of those Chinese Buffets, then at the end of the meal, when your bill comes, they give you a fortune cookie? Yeah it's a magic time in a person's life. There sitting before you is a cookie with a tiny piece of paper inside that holds your fortune!

Recently, something amazing happened to me. I got the same fortune twice. Yeah, no kidding. The exact words 2 separate cookies. What, don't believe me? Here's photographic evidence:

So this obviously must be a sign from the Cookie Gods. So I started to think about it. In many ways I have tried to live a simple life and the rewards have been great. Take for example my hair. It used to be somewhat longer. Well one day I was out playing Basket Ball with my bro and my hair kept getting in my eyes. So I went in the house and shaved it off. I shaved it off for a simple reason, by the benefits soon became much more aparent. I no longer had to comb my hair in the morning. Meaning I could sleep in longer, When I wore my stocking cap I didn't have to make sure all my hair was underneat it and not sticking out in some odd way, I went through less shampoo. All of these things make life so much easier and all because I simplified my life by cutting my hair.

Another example. Do you ever go to someone's house and see a lot of dishes, silverware, etc. piled up by the sink? There's an easy solution to that problem. Simplify your life. Only have 1 plate, 1 fork, 1 spoon, 1 etc. Then whenever your done making and eating the meal, simply wash the 1 set of stuff you have and you're done. I garuntee you'll never have a pile of dishes ever again. A great reward for simplifing your life.

This fortune can even relate to some of the more complicated things in life, like relationships. Think about it. What's the simplest? Don't be in a relationship. Remember back when you were a young kid growing up watching cartoons? Remember how simple life was back then? What's the difference between then and now? One of the big things is as people grow older they introduce a foreign element in to thier lives. A significant other. Now not only do they have to take care of themselves, they have to watch their back so as they take care of themselves they don't piss the thier significant other off, all while at the same time taking care of someone else. Basically it creates a whole shitload of problems. Which leads us to 1 conclusion. If you simplify your life by not being in a relationship, you will have a lot less problems and therefore be rewared with a lot more time to watch cartoons.

Life is simple, it's the choices we make that complicate it.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

V Day Bullshit

Yeah, so I've pretty much had enough of this crap. This has got to be the worst holiday of all holidays. Now if you can keep up with this rant, great, if you can't tough shit.

  • In theory it's a day for a couple to celebrate their love, but it's become a day when the females get pampered, wined and dined. Since when does love mean that the male has to spend money, time and energy on his companion? It should be a day where both spend equal amounts of time, money and energy on each other. It's getting to be more lopsided than weddings.
  • Think about it, what's the color of the holiday? Pink. How many guys you know like the color pink? How many girls like pink? Case closed it's a female's holiday.
  • Since I'm on this issue anyway. How many times have you heard the expression "her special day" when someone is talking about a wedding? Total bullshit. It should be "their special day".
  • It makes some who are not in relationships lonely. Ok, so now not only do they have to deal with the everyday pressure society has put on them, but now they have to go through a whole holiday season that emphasizes it. Who the fuck ever decided you have to be in a relationship to be happy anyway? In everything I've experienced, seen and heard the relationship will never work if both individuals aren't happy with themselves. With all this pressure to hurry into relationships, no wonder so many people get divorced. People have to live with themselves before they can live with others.

In conclusion Valentines Day is the worst holiday evar!

Disclaimer: This post was written with the assumption of a heterosexual relationship. If you are in a homosexual relationship, replace the feminine words with their masculine equivalents or vise versa.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Superbowl Monday

We as a country need to come together and pass a bill stating that Superbowl Monday will now be recognized as a national holiday.

How many people watch the Superbowl? 10 kajillion? Well, I'd venture to guess that 90% of those who watch the Superbowl would like to have the day after off. The day off would allow everyone to beable to enjoy the Superbowl more because they wouldn't have to worry about getting up for work the next day, the drive home after the party has ended or the inevidable hangover all day at work.

We could also use this holiday to celebrate sports and thier place in American History. Just like Christmas is filled with Christmas Joy and Thanksgiving is filled with turkey, Superbowl Monday could be filled with sports and the activity of sports. They say everyone's too fat these days, well here's a holiday which promotes getting up off the couch and onto a field.

Ok some critics say we already have too many holidays, we don't need any more. Ok, fine. Get rid of Columbus day. It's a horse shit holiday anyway. Hell, Columbus didn't even discover America. All he did was take a wrong turn on the way to India. Let's get rid of a holiday that makes no sense and replace it with Superbowl Monday a holiday that makes perfect sense.

I encourage everyone to contact their congressional representative, local newspaper, TV stations and that guy who's always yelling shit on the corner and get the word out. Superbowl Monday the newest national holiday!!!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hey Dipshit you got something in your ear

We've all seen these morons walking down the street. They're the ones who are always occupied with things going on anywhere other than where they are. They're the kind of people who have that Borg like bluetooth cordless headset on their head at all times.

Not only are we so damn busy we NEED to talk to someone NOW, but now we're too lazy to even hold a phone up to our ear. Soon they will develop a "hands-free" headset that is implanted just under the skin of our ear which will directly connect to our brain. Then our assimilation into the collective will be complete.

We as a society need to hang up the phone and take a look around. There's so much going on in our environment, only most are too busy jaw flapping on the phone to notice. Try this, leave your cell phone at home one day and see how much of the world you notice. You might just like it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Get ready to ROCK!!!

with Guitar Hero

Yeah this game fucking rocks!!! I haven't had this much fun playing a video game since I bought the fishing controller for Dreamcast. If you are a hard core gamer or not, this game is definately one you have to at least give a try. Everyone who's been over to play it loves it and wants to come over and play it again.

Do yourself a favor, get this game, strap up and rock out!!!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Soup Spoon vs. Regular Spoon

Is this even a battle? There's no way that a regular spoon could even compare to a soup spoon. Soup spoons are sooooo much better than a regular spoon I don't even know why they still make regular spoons. A soup spoon can do everything just as good as a regular spoon and in some cases it can even do it better. Think about it. What do you use a spoon for? Cereal? You can get a bigger and better scoop with a soup spoon. What about stuff like mashed potatoes or corn? A soup spoon is the better choice because if the ease of scooping motion. Ice Cream? Soup spoon. Don't even make me mention soup and how the soup spoon was made for eating that.

The bottom line is that the regular spoon will never even compare to the soup spoon. They aren't even in the same league.